I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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