i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
