I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
