in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
