why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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