does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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