Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
