i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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