Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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