yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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