life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
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Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
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He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again