is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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