can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
