please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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