I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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