How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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