I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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