someone threw a dead crab at me
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize
