if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
