We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
