I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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