i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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