Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
