There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
