I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
