Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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