Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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