I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
