I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
