Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She's the barista slut.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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