remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
