Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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