I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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