I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
