She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
