you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
