I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
