I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
