vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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