After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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