2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
