I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
