She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
