You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
