why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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