I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Randomize
