I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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