My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
