I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
