Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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