You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
