My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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