i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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