just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
